In what may be the most unusual public announcement in Whiskey Pines history, local grocer Earl Lundgren stood on an overturned milk crate outside Lundgren's Market on Saturday morning and addressed a crowd of approximately forty-seven confused shoppers regarding what he called "an ongoing misuse situation that has gotten out of hand."
The situation, as it turns out, involves panty liners. And dusting. And the intersection of the two, which Earl Lundgren would very much like to see dissolved.
"It has come to my attention," Earl began, reading from a prepared statement and sweating visibly despite the mild weather, "that certain members of this community have been purchasing panty liners in bulk. And not for their intended purpose." He paused. He took a breath. "They're using them to dust their furniture."
The crowd murmured. Several people nodded knowingly. One woman in the back said, "They work really well, actually."
Earl Lundgren's Official Rationale
(Read aloud from index cards)
"These products are designed for personal hygiene. They have a specific purpose. That purpose is not removing dust from your grandmother's china cabinet. When the manufacturers designed these items, they did not envision them being dragged across a credenza."
"My inventory system is in chaos. I'm ordering based on projected needs. The projected needs are wrong. I ordered four hundred units last month based on what I thought was a population increase. There was no population increase. There was a dusting increase. I cannot explain this to my regional distributor."
"It's weird. I'm just going to say it. It's weird. I don't want to know what you're dusting. I don't want to think about it when you're checking out. I used to make small talk with customers. I can't anymore. What am I supposed to say? 'Doing some cleaning this weekend?' I know you're doing some cleaning this weekend."
"The young people who work here don't know what's happening. Tyler asked me last week if there was a 'festival or something' because of the sales volume. I had to explain it to him. Do you know what it's like to explain this to a nineteen-year-old? He hasn't looked at me the same since."
At this point, Doris Pemberton raised her hand from the crowd. "But Earl, they're cheaper than those microfiber cloths. And they're disposable. And they pick up dust like nobody's business. The adhesive strip holds them right to your hand. It's efficient."
Earl closed his eyes for a long moment. "Doris. Please."
The Plumbing Concern
Town plumber Hector Ruiz pushed his way to the front of the crowd, visibly agitated. "What happens when they're done dusting?" he asked. "Where do the panty liners go? I'll tell you where some people think they should go. Down the toilet. And I'm here to tell you, as a professional, as a man who has seen things in pipes that would make you weep: they do not go down the toilet."
He produced a laminated photograph from his back pocket. Several people looked away. One person left entirely.
The Committee
Town council member Patricia Okonkwo proposed a "reasonable fact-finding mission" to determine the true scope of the problem. The Dust Pattern Analysis Committee was approved by a vote of 31–14, with two abstentions from people who said they "needed to leave immediately for unrelated reasons."
The committee will begin home inspections next week. "Participation is technically voluntary," Patricia noted, "but refusal to participate will be noted and interpreted accordingly."
Lundgren's Countermeasures
Effective Monday, Earl announced a purchase limit of three packages per customer per week. He is also moving the panty liner display directly behind the checkout counter, "where I can monitor the situation personally."
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
Doris Pemberton raised her hand again. "Earl, what if I just buy microfiber cloths from the hardware store and this whole thing goes away?"
"That," Earl said slowly, "would have been an excellent solution three months ago, Doris. Three months ago. Before I had to stand on a milk crate and say the word 'panty' in front of the Methodist choir."
The Methodist choir, who had been exiting their bus for a bake sale setup, waved uncomfortably from across the parking lot.
"This meeting is adjourned," Earl said. "May God have mercy on us all."
The Dust Pattern Analysis Committee meets Thursday at 7 p.m. in the community center. Members of the public are welcome to attend but are asked not to bring dusting supplies of any kind. Danziger's Hardware has microfiber cloths in stock. Pete says he's not asking any questions, and frankly, he doesn't want to know.